Last week we looked at one symptom of comparison - jealousy. I mentioned another one though, insecurity, that I thought might be interesting to look into some more.
It's a compliment when we say, "She's very secure in herself" of another woman. It's admirable. We usually look up to these women. We seek to emulate them. But often times it seems we make this remark also because, women who are secure in themselves seem somewhat few and far between.
You might like to argue with this point. And, that'd be fine it you wanted to. But, I don't think it's out of line to propose that the problem of insecurity plagues probably the majority of women. By that I mean, at least over 50.001%. If you disagree, that's awesome. That means you must be surrounded by a lot of really fantastic female role models and probably are one yourself.
For the rest of us though, the evidence of the effects of insecurity wreaking havoc on the society of women at large seem devastating. For me personally, I am extremely passionate about this topic because I have tasted the bitterness of insecurity and have taken stock of the toll it took on my life. If anyone else can benefit from some of what I've learned or at least circumvent some of the pot holes I sunk into, that would be wonderful to me.
So, insecurity is another consequence stemming from comparison. We fall into comparison when we lack a clear picture of who we are at our core and the conviction to stay true to that regardless of whatever outwardly applied pressure might exert itself on us.
Insecurity can be tricky though because it can come about from comparing yourself to others or by measuring yourself by some self-imposed standard that you picked up or was established in your mind from any number of contributing sources... society, family, school, work, culture, etc., etc.
If you struggle with insecurity, then you don't need me to go into a lot of detail to describe it. It's a feeling; a state of mind. It's a state of being that, in general could just be encapsulated as "crippling." It's hard to talk about because it's not popular to admit it. Even if you do get the courage to admit to yourself that you struggle with it, you may find opposition from others if you ever muster up enough chutzpah to tell someone else about it. It's sort of like something we don't really want to look at or deal with. You might hear someone say, "But that's ridiculous. You of all people have nothing to be insecure about. You're great. You're this. You're that." It's such a deeply personal, usually deeply rooted thing that others, unless they know you very personally, usually can't begin to imagine or understand how you could come to such a conclusion in regards to yourself because their understanding of you is so shallow. That's okay. That's the nature of most of our relationships. We can't really go around knowing each and every person we interact with so, so deeply. There's just not enough time in this life!
What my be helpful though is to not add shame or guilt on top of your already insecure feeling self because you believe that you shouldn't feel this way or you should feel this way or that. Start by just feeling the way you feel and see if the relief alone of not condemning yourself for feeling insecure doesn't provide some measure of relief.
There's no straight shot prescription for insecurity per se but, instead of focusing on what you don't want to be (never really helpful) if you focus on what you do want to be, a secure person, there are some useful tools there.
I absolutely love the dictionary. I love definitions. I'm a writer so I guess that makes sense. I looked up the definition of secure to give us something nice and meaty to sink our brain teeth into.
A google search of "secure definition" revealed: secure - "fixed or fastened so as not to give way, become loose, or be lost."
Oooo that's good. Um!
Some of the synonyms provided were: safe, sure, certain, confident, assured, steady, ensure, insure, assure, safeguard, obtain and fasten.
I liked "insure" especially. We usually insure something because we're protecting ourselves against a potential loss, either financial or physical, that could befall us and potentially damage or destroy something in our lives that we hold dear.
Insecurity is just that. It's a loss, a loss of our courage or maybe our confidence that can produce mental, physical and spiritual damages. The protection, to be INwardly SURE, is an equally powerful tool we can possess to get to a place and stay in a place of security that's not conditional on outward circumstances but stays true 100% of the time due to the compass set inside you.
Okay. Is this getting too weird? I hope this is making some sense. I just think it's so important for us. It's so beautiful when we get it and hold on to it and when you see it in the women around you. It is a process however. Being secure comes out of knowing who you are. Knowing who you are is the process.
You get that though.
XO,
RB
